Monday, 22 October 2012

Love...

Okay, so this post is a bit different to my usual narcissistic beauty and fashion posts - this one is about love and relationships. So yeah, if you're not into all that - probably best not to bother reading this! 



I am a hopeless romantic. Truly, completely, unashamedly; I'm a fool for love and a constant believer in 'happily ever after'. I think growing up infatuated with fairy tales and Disney films is probably to blame for this love affair with love, but yes, I can admit I possess a constant need to be loved and I have always dreamt of meeting my 'dream' man, however ridiculous that notion may seem.

Growing up, I went through stages of yearning for my handsome prince, to hating boys altogether and refusing to admit that I would ever even kiss one, to falling completely, hopelessly in love with (the idea of) having a boyfriend. Now, I believe I've found a happy medium. Yes; I am completely in love with my current boyfriend - but I understand that he is not the be-all and end-all. There are millions of people in this world - and I respect myself enough to know that ultimately, it is only me who can make myself happy.

I think this is the problem with love nowadays. So many of my friends rush into relationships, get married, and then it all falls apart. Not to say that it never works out - I know people who have found their soulmates and married young, and have, so far, lived happily ever after. But too many people rely on love as their only source of happiness. There is a big wide world out there, the person sitting next to you is as insignificant as a grain of sand to the rest of this planet.

When I was in my teens, love was all I thought about. I wanted to have the perfect boyfriend, and I spent the entirety of my teenage years in relationships. I never had a break - splitting up with someone would mean a drastic hunt to find another 'Mr. Right' (it turns out, they were all very much 'Mr. Wrong') and then the process would repeat itself. I didn't really know how to make myself happy - it is a very strange thing. You go from being a young girl, who can make herself happy for hours with a thing as simple as a daisy chain, to a glorified grown-up, with feelings and a strong sense of feeling incomplete, needing someone to make you whole. It's a horrible time - but I think it's a time we need to have, to thoroughly appreciate who we are and how we should value ourselves.

When I was 17, I got into a relationship which would teach me huge life lessons. I was in this relationship for four years, when in reality, I should have only been in this relationship for 6 months, a year, tops. But I was afraid. Afraid of being alone and hanging on to the notion that I would regret it so much if I let him go. But he wasn't right for me. He didn't respect me, he didn't treat me how I should have been treated. I gave, and I gave, and I gave, but I got nothing back. Yet I put up with it, for years. Now, I'm a smart girl. I have my head screwed on and I KNOW that if someone else had explained the exact same situation to me, I would have told them to get out of it, sharpish. So WHY couldn't I listen to my own advice? Because I thought being unhappy and with him was better than being unhappy and alone. Because there were no 'REAL' problems - he hadn't cheated, he hadn't done anything unforgivable and so I held onto it even though it was slipping through my fingers.

But being unhappy and with someone is NOT better than being unhappy and alone. When you're with someone who is making you unhappy, you are only hurting yourself. You are making yourself completely unavailable to anyone else, yet all you really want is the 'ideal' man. How can you find him when you're stuck with Mr. Wrong? It will hurt like hell to begin with, but you'll learn that leaving the Guy Who Could Never Give You His All is the best thing you ever did.

Being single is a good thing. You open yourself up to so many more opportunities when you're single. You turn into a bit of a 'Yes Man' - the friends who go out for drinks every Friday night, but you turn down because of your rubbish boyfriend, are now making plans with you. You're dressing better because you feel better - you know that you deserve so much more and you know that looking good makes you happy. You appreciate those around you more - you make time for your family and friends that perhaps before you overlooked. You can enjoy your own company - being single made me appreciate how much I do enjoy being on my own. It made me fall back in love with writing, with films and literature, and understanding the importance of being by yourself, and making yourself happy.

If I had stayed with Mr. Wrong, I wouldn't have been able to do those things. Being with him had made me lose all sense of who I was - I became a miserable, crying mess who was constantly upset with or angry at the boyfriend who would never give me any of his time. I didn't like who I was - I wasn't me. A relationship shouldn't do that to you - it should bring out the best in you, not wear you down until you don't know who you are anymore. So I finally had enough of it - I ended it, and it was honestly the best thing I ever did. I just wish I had done it an awful lot earlier.

That's not to say being single wasn't hard - it was. I felt lonely, I would walk into a busy place and all I would see were happy couples, I would spend nights wondering what I had done, why had I ended it, when at least being with him meant I had someone to cuddle at night? Those moments of absolute despair pass though, trust me. You can learn to make yourself happy being single, and one day you might stumble across your handsome prince, and yeah, he will be a lovely contributing factor to your life. But he won't BE your life, remember, you make yourself happy.

So, I think I've found my prince. I could be completely wrong - in this life it is never good to get complacent, and you never know what's around the corner. But for now, I'm happy. I've learnt a lot about love and I've learnt a lot about myself - but most importantly I've learnt that I deserve more than a half-hearted relationship. If you want to be with someone, you should be with them, completely, 100%. I wanted a love that was all-consuming, a love that was passionate and magical, a I 'can't live without you' kind of love. I settled for 'can't really be bothered' love for so long and I regret it so much. But maybe it happened for a reason - because I do believe I've found my all-consuming love, the man I'd always dreamed about. I'm not saying it will be forever - I'm not saying it should be. But I am so happy that I am experiencing the magical, breathtaking love I'd always wanted to experience. The true, fairy tale love that so many of us crave. I couldn't have had that if I'd stayed with my ex. Who knows, I could have ended up marrying that guy if he hadn't have given me that one last push into saying 'It's over.' But then what kind of life would I have? I'd never really know what real love was like. And I think everyone deserves that kind of love, at least once in a lifetime.

I'll leave you with my favourite quote of all time - let me know if you enjoyed this post (if you even read it!) and let me know your thoughts....

'Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.'
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22 comments

  1. I showed this to my Mum. Obviously she's a lot older and her situation is a little different. But, reading this made her realise that it's better to be unhappy and lonely, than in a relationship and lonely.

    Thanks.

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  2. This is such a lovely post! I completely agree that if you're not in it 100%, then you shouldn't be in it at all. I've been with my only boyfriend for 3 and a half years now and am totally smitten with him. It sounds soppy but I've done so many things that I never would have before - he even got me on a plane for the first time last month!

    I'm glad that you've found someone who you really want to be with, like you said there's no point in settling for less than what you deserve! xx

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  3. This is such a lovely post. It's really well written and is very real! I'd love to see more posts like this from you :) xxx

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  4. great post hannah, you should do some more like this :) i've just split up with my fiance who i was with for 4 years and also have a daughter with. right now everything seems difficult and horrible & life doesn't really seem worth living. but i can already see the positives in that our relationship had kinda become that 'can't be bothered' type of love you talk about. we were always arguing and shouting at each other for pointless things like not putting plates in the sink. its harder to leave when you have a child but i hope that maybe now i can find someone who really cares for me and loves me passionately. i do miss having someone to cuddle with at night or to share silly little things with that no one else would care about. but i believe things happen for a reason so i hope i can now find my real mr right xx

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  5. This post has saved me, literally. It's amazing how much of my head you've put into this blog post.

    I was the same, recently just ended things with a guy who didn't want what I want, he wanted to saunter through his 20's sleeping with girls and having casual relationships. I didn't, I wanted someone who was gonna love me for me, want to wake up next to me every morning and tell me he can't live without me. As much as I wanted to be with him and how good I thought we were together (I thought we were perfect for each other in fact), he just couldn't give me what I wanted. He made me upset - crying all the time, a paranoid irrational mess and every day I'd be on a rollercoaster wonder if he'd text me to ask how I was or come see me.

    I definitely think and now live by the "someone will only love you if you love yourself" and I think that's why I've had such bad luck in love previously. I'm insecure and not happy within myself so I attract these people which makes me believe that that's all I deserve, when I know it's not, it's just because I don't feel confident in myself. So now I'm taking a break from men, focusing on myself and being happy with myself and one day Mr Right will walk into my life and give me that all consuming love I've dreamt about for many years.

    Thanks for writing this Hannah, it's really helped!
    X

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  6. This is great, really inspiring post! Love the quote too <3

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  7. Brilliant post Hannah, so inspirational to people who have been in similar situations. You've got a real nack for writing Mrs! <3 Love your blog, would be awesome if you checked out mine. Currently having a MAC makeup giveaway.

    http://trappedinafashionparadise.blogspot.co.uk/ xx

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  8. I was in the same situation as you, but thankfully I was only in the relationship for six months. It should have been one! However, like you, I was so desperate to have the 'perfect relationship'. However, a few months later, I met my current boyfriend and 4 years later I am so thankful I had the courage to walk away from the first, as I may not have met Aiden. It's not perfect, but to me it's okay because I know we both love each other more than anything and we both put everything into our relationship. I think you always know deep down when it's right or wrong. This is such a lovely post, and I'm glad you have found someone better. :)

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  9. This is a fantastic post, very relatable and written perfectly. Like I said on twitter this is most certainly perfect for a magazine, you really capture how it feels to grow up and think you need to be in a relationship, and then when you are in one that is wrong, how hard it is to let it go. Very pleased it has all worked out well for you now and you're happy with your current boyfriend. You could have wasted more than four years, so be happy you didn't. All that matters now, is that you've made the right choice :) xxx

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  10. This is a brilliant post; what you wrote definitely needs to be said! I often think that true love gives you the freedom to be yourself. :)

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  11. Really loved this post hun, especially after recently just coming out of a 6 year relationship and being single for the first time in 10 years!
    It was really nice to read.x

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  12. I had a very similar experience to you, and I’d love to be able to write a post like this. I had a boyfriend 14-16, another one 16-18 AND another one 18 – 22. The last one was the loveliest guy, but as you say, I should have only been in that relationship for 6 months, let alone four years. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was lovely, attentive – but it wasn’t there for me. I didn’t fancy him – we got on well, we had a laugh, we were like best friends. But I didn’t love him and I certainly didn’t want to climb into bed with him – and I never ended it because I was scared of being alone. After 4 long years, and 3 of them dreading he’d either ask me to move in with him, or worse, propose, I ended it – who knows what encouraged me, but I did it. I spent 3 (fun) months single, only for my best (boy) friend to declare his love to me. This guy was hilarious, and we’d always had some serious chemistry. Two years later, we’re still together and, although we have our ups and downs, I FINALLY know what that all-consuming, passionate love is. Lovely post Hannah! xx

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  13. Great post! I'm so glad I never went through the "needing a boyfriend" phase but I've seen so many friends do it and it's horrible to watch. My ex ended up like this which was why we broke up ultimately - he was so needy that I couldn't cope. Thank you for sharing your experiences <3

    Jesss xo

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  14. This is such a lovely post! I appreciate how much of your heart you put into writing this. All through reading it, I kept having the 'I know what you mean' feeling. At some point in their life, mostly everyone will have an experience like this and damn, it is hard. I had one myself and I'm only just about to turn 19! But like you, I overcome it and finally found a way out. I had the 'enough is enough' feeling that tipped me over the edge. You know as a person what you deserve and when someone isn't good enough, but somehow feelings and emotions interfere and you forget what you deserve. Going through a relationship like that brings out the worst in you, the best in you but most of all makes you sit back and think about who you are and what you deserve as a person. After my 'that' relationship, I changed in myself.. I'm almost back to the happy girl I used to be, I changed my sense of style, I've grown my hair out and above all, I'm happy in my own company. I'm beyond happy that you've found your prince. As you said, it doesn't matter if the love you're experiencing lasts forever or not because you get to experience it and that is one of the best things in life. I really hope you experience this love for aslong as life gives you xx

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  15. read it all and loved it, you have such a way with words!! xx

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  16. i'm going through a really difficult time with relationships at the moment and this was really good to read because i can draw so many comparisons. and the quote you finished on is the perfect ending xxx

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  17. This is a gorgeous post, and I feel the same way about love.

    I have just found your blog so looking forward to reading more.

    Katie
    www.totallytates.com

    x

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  18. Lovely post. I was 22 when i found my 'love' and im still with him today.
    All my friends rushed into relationships and i often think because i waited and lived my life first my relationships are all the better!

    Relationships really aren't the bee all and end all in life. It just makes life a little better.

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  19. Great post! I hope the guy you've found is the one for you!

    Lauren,
    Laurensbeautydepartment.blogspot.com

    xx

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  20. Thank you Hannah. You could not understand how much help this has been to me right now and how much I needed to read something like this. It has completely put things in perspective for me. <3 xxxx

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