Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Becoming a 'Better' Version of Myself


Do you ever feel well and truly sick of yourself? I've been feeling like that a lot lately. There has been a lot of stuff going on with my life that has been upsetting, stressful, amazing and frustrating all at the same time. It's been mostly a time of lows, with a few highs, but it has definitely been a whirlwind and not one I've really enjoyed.

Right now, I'm far from happy with myself. There are so many things I want to change but I have very little motivation to do anything about it. When I get sad, all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and not leaving for a few days. That, or eat some chocolate. Which, if I'm honest, is where half of the problem lies.

Over the past couple of years I have put on a lot of weight. Whilst up until very recently I didn't see myself as overweight, I've come to realise that enough is enough and I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking of myself as fat. I'm sure I'm not what some people think of as fat, and I'm sure to some people I'm the size of a whale, but what matters most is how I feel about myself, and right now, I'm not happy.

I've struggled with eating, weight and self-esteem for well over a decade, and it's something I have always carried with me, ever since first encountering it all those years ago. I know I'm not the only person to ever feel uncomfortable about how I look, but to say my journey in life (weight-wise) has been a roller coaster thus far would be an understatement. I have been as small as a size 4 and as big as a size 18. I've never eaten healthily. I am a person of extremes and unfortunately this plays a big part when it comes to food. I either eat, and eat, and eat, or I eat very, very little.

Lately it's been the former, which has resulted in me gaining weight and getting up to an uncomfortable (for me) size 14. I haven't been this big in years, and the idea of it scares me, but not nearly as much as it would have done all those years ago (which scares me even more). I don't feel like 'me' right now, I don't look like me, and I feel like because of this I am missing out on living my life the way I want to. I don't want to worry about my stomach hanging out in the bodycon dress I adore, I don't want to have to say no to those shorts because my thighs are too big. I don't want to go to an event and feel completely out of place surrounded by healthy-looking, beautiful girls. I don't want to say 'no' to my boyfriend taking a photo of us together because I'm worried about how I look. I don't want to see my friends after months of not seeing them and constantly have a voice in my head telling me they're all looking at me and thinking 'Woah, she's put on weight'. I don't want to feel sad about how I look. Lately, that's exactly what I've been doing.

So I've decided it's time for a change. And I'm not taking this lightly, but I'm also not expecting it to be a quick and easy process, or a drastic one at first. I have had these 'time for a change' moments so many times before now and they've never worked out. What makes it different this time is that I'm reaching out to you guys to make sure I can actually do this. I want to be able to look back at my journey and feel proud that I put my mind to something and I really achieved it. I want the pressure of all my readers relying on me to prove myself to spur me on. I know you guys won't think little of me if I fail, but I want that added pressure nonetheless. I'm not doing this because I feel I need to look a certain way, I'm doing it to make myself happy. Happiness is the most important thing, I think, in life, not what you look like. But to me those two things work in sync with one another and so making myself the best 'me' I can be is vital in improving my happiness. I hope you guys have faith in me (I'm not sure I have faith in myself just yet...)
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19 comments

  1. So proud of you for posting this Hannah. I believe most of us whatever the size or shape can relate to you, we all have times when we just don't like what you see, unfortunately being in social media and the public eye means we pick on ourselves even more, if i can ever help then please shout, you are an absolutely gorgeous person, let it shine through and let yourself see it - whatever size that comes in xxx

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  2. Hi Hannah,

    Wow, this is a brave post. You have so much guts to speak so honestly and openly about such a sensitive issue. Of course I'm sure I speak for all your readers that we're behind you every step of the way. But I honestly do find you to be beautiful. No matter what you look like, it is your inner self that shines out and makes you beautiful. We all have our insecurities. Like me, for instance - I'm jealous of your blonde hair and the fact that your eyes are a deeper, bluer blue than mine.

    I wish you all the very best in reaching your goals. I always thought you looked lovely but at the end of the day I just want you to be happy.

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  3. What a great post. The first few steps are the hardest! Good luck with your journey. I hope it's wonderful time. There are plenty of positives of a healthy and fit lifestyle, not just the cosmetic benefits. Even if it's boosting your immune system to ward off the horrible winter bugs!
    xxxx

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  4. Great post :) You can do this I've felt like this too after I had my baby parts of my body changed, I did what I could to change through exercise and healthy eating and now I'm happy and embrace the body I have, its so important to feel happy within yourself and only you know what weight size that is. Wishing you all the luck in the world and hope you achieve what you want to x

    The Beauty Trove

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  5. Best of luck ... it's difficult to make the change but the way you feel once you have is amazing. I was obese my entire life until I reached a size 20 and decided enough. I made a massive lifestyle change and have lost a total of 9 stone. That was 2 years ago :)

    Well done you and best of luck!

    Chloe x
    newgirlintoon.co.uk

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  6. Oh and if you're interested in reading my weight loss story, I did a little 2 year anniversary post about it earlier in the year: http://www.newgirlintoon.co.uk/2014/05/i-used-to-be-fat.html?m=1

    I hope it helps :)

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  7. Hannah, your not the only one that feels like this. I have been told recently I need to loose some weight and it’s been something I have put on the back burner. I just don’t have the motivation. But I too am at my biggest currently and I struggle to fit into clothes that I bought last summer! It’s scary! I need to find the motivation and do the same. But I know it can be done and don’t ever tell yourself your not good enough, or too big for a photo etc. Your beautiful. And you should be proud to have spoken out and decided that now is the time to make a change. Good luck lovely. I hope you feel better in yourself soon! xx

    www.britishbeautyaddict.com

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  8. You're beautiful and please don't forget that. But, if you don't feel comfortable in your own skin then realising you need to make a change is a huge first step. You're so brave to share this with your readers, really hope you start seeing a difference as you start to make positive changes xx

    Ioanna | www.hearting.co.uk

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  9. I've totally been there myself and I know how much it sucks to be in that cycle! I was having a really tough time a few years ago now and everything just kept going wrong and I was miserable, and I ended up going from a size 6 to a size 14 and I felt awful. Obviously I wasn't fat but I didn't feel or look like myself and it really does make you miserable! I made a real effort to completely change my lifestyle, and I've been back down to a 6/8 for the past few years and healthier than ever, so congrats on your 'lightbulb moment' and just know that it is within your reach! I found it really helpful to follow healthy food and excercise blogs on tumblr and people on instagram because it can be a bit daunting finding inspiration for healthier options at first. As soon as I started to see a difference I felt really proud of myself for sticking at it and I've ended up becoming a way more positive person along the journey and I am just much happier and happy with myself inside and out for it! If you ever need to chat or need any support you can always contact me, even though you don't know me, and I know most of your followers would probably say the same :)

    www.gleepface.com | YouTube

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  10. I was in the exact same position as you are now 2-3 years ago. Patience and hard work really did pay off and now I am very comfortable in my own skin. Good luck with your journey and I wish you all the best, my advice is be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. Every day is a new chance to make positive change in your life :) x

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  11. I'm in this situation at the moment, I hate myself when I see myself in the mirror. I'm smaller than I've been for a long while but it's not where I want to be so to me it's just not enough.

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  12. I been there kind of feeling the same at the moment, just take one step at time well that's what I am doing at the moment x

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  13. Of course you can do it! We all have faith in you. I'm in the totally same situation at a size 14/16 - the biggest I've every been in my life, I'm doing something about it too xx

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  14. Good luck girl! Just remember that your happiness is the most important thing! By the way you look stunning in the picture! x

    http://rachelcoco.blogspot.co.uk

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  15. Go for it! May I recommend either Slimming World, or buying some great healthy eating cookbooks (I can recommend The Greedy Girls Diet, and the Hairy Bikers diet books, they are both amazing). I have been a size 8 and a size 16 and every size in between. The only things that worked were Slimming World (when I was in my 20s and could commit to getting to the weekly meetings) and now cooking healthily (now I am in my 30s and am able to cook better and go out drinking less :-). Both these approaches rely on taking responsibility for working out the best healthy options (instead of having lots of branded weight-programme foods available in supermarkets which include chocolates and sweets and ready meals... it doesn't work long term... you can end up spending all your diet's daily allowance on branded weight-loss rubbish which leads you straight back to ordinary rubbish :) You CAN do this, and at your age quite quickly I would have thought, in fact if you started now you would have dropped a good few dress sizes by Christmas, easily. I also bought a dress in my inspirational (and achievable) size and tried it on every few weeks which helped motivate me. I think you just have to jump straight in, and go for it. Approach it as a practical matter to deal with, as if you dwell too much on the emotional side it can suck you back in. I always told people I was on a healthy eating plan, instead of a diet. It's about eating healthily - the weight loss is a very good side effect :). You are beautiful as you are but if you want to change and it's a healthy change then that's all the better. xx

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  16. Hi hun, I really recommend slimming world! I've just started it with my boyfriend and it's easy to follow and we're both experiencing a decent weight loss, slimming world helps you to eat healthily and once you hit your target weight it is free to keep going so you are able to keep yourself at your goal weight. xx

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  17. Go girl! I'm sure you will do it! Don't forget you are an inspiration for so many people out there already! I admire you! Keep the good work up! Greets from Germany <3 xx

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  18. I completetly understand Hannah, and feel the same myself! I personally don't think you look big at all, but its all about how you feel so I totally understand. Good luck with it all, I'll be doing the same so I look forward to following your journey :)

    Lyndsay | Fizzy Peaches

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  19. You can do it!! You are such a beautiful girl, I just found your blog. I think being comfortable with yourself comes with age as well. You begin to realize all you've been through, accomplished, and overcome and accept that all those things have made you the person you are today. Be proud. And, if you want some help with the weight loss, download the MyFitnessPal app and find me-I'd be happy to be on this journey with you! I'm 15 pounds from my goal!

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