I have a big event on Sunday. The MTV EMA's, to be precise. All of my time blogging I've watched enviously as other 'big' bloggers got invited to these things, riled with jealousy that it isn't me. And now that I've been invited to one? Naturally I'm delighted. But I've also worked myself up into a frenzy over what I'm going to wear, so much so that I came home from work to break down in tears because I feel so stressed about it - pretty crappy, right?!
I don't go to events often. Whilst I used to be a 'one night out a week' kinda gal, now I prefer staying in and big nights out partying on a regular basis just don't appeal to me. That's not to say I'm ungrateful for any 'night out' invitations I do get - just that I haven't done the whole 'get an outfit for the big night out' thing in, well, years.
And over the past few years things have changed. My once size ten figure is now a fourteen, and I feel crap about it. If you read this post here, you'll know what I'm on about. It's horrendous after never, ever worrying about what I 'can' or 'can't' wear, but simply picking up whichever dress I liked best and whacking it on, that I'm faced with a million different obstacles, now I'm a 'bigger' girl.
I can't go sleeveless - my arms are too big. Can't wear a bodycon, nobody wants to see that. Backless is out of the question - back-flab definitely isn't in. Can't be too short; my thighs are too wobbly, and I can't go too long either, I'd look frumpy. Basically, when it comes to picking a dress for a party now, I'm absolutely screwed.
When I first got into fashion, I was really thin, and questioning whether something would suit my body shape or not never crossed my mind - as it turns out, most things suited my childlike body type. Now I'm stumbling over a million different hurdles trying to find a dress that I'll actually feel even the slightest bit confident in for one whole night.
The blogging side of things makes it suck even more too. Putting on weight when you get sent samples regularly isn't fun - especially when you realise you're kidding yourself asking for that size twelve frock. And then the fourteen comes, and it doesn't fit either; 'But you don't go bigger than a fourteen? Oh, nevermind then.'
Or when you convince yourself that you will fit into that size twelve in a couple of weeks, so you may as well keep it, only to be hounded by the brand who sent you it. You feel like screaming 'I'm sorry, I'm too fat for your dress, but I won't be in a few weeks, I promise!'
So I'm sitting here, scrolling through various clothing websites, desperately trying to find something that won't make me look like a whale come the 'big night'. I want to get a feel for what it'll look like on, so I look at the models on the websites, or else search for bloggers who might have worn it. And what am I faced with? A million slender girls looking stunning in even more stunning dresses. And I know that there's no way in hell I'll look like that in them, so is there any point looking?!
So, who knows what I'll wear on Sunday night, but hopefully I'll be wearing a smile. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I never knew what people meant when they said they couldn't wear certain clothes - and now I know all too well!